That Day Back in September

I started reading Lou Engle’s book Nazirite DNA again because upon coming home last week, I realized I desired a strengthening in my heart – a reminder of why I do what I do. The last few weeks of school (yes, I have successfully completed my sophomore year of University) were really tough for me. I was breaking down mentally, physically and spiritually. I’m not going to lie – being away from the solid foundations of home are draining; I am usually in need of some good old-fashioned restoration from the fountains of the Lord by the time I come home – which is awesome because it’s exactly what I receive.

Anyway, when I was packing up my stuff at school, I stopped at my bookshelf and was talking to the Lord about what I would like to read over the summer. Asking Him what He had in mind for my heart. I quickly realized that the lack of motivation I was feeling at school in my prayer life and in my ministry was because I had forgotten the reason I was doing it. The flame that dwelled inside of me had not diminished, but it was running low on fuel. The Lord instantly brought my hand to a few books that would help that, most of them new but this one – this is the “old-faithful.”

Almost a year ago now, in September 2011 I made a Nazirite commitment to fast and pray (and not cut my hair) for Valley City State University and this book was a key tool for my decision. Now, a year (ish) later, I have been reminded of who I am as a Nazirite, why I’m giving my life as a sacrifice to the Lord and why I am choosing such a radical way of life – not because of a book, but because I have sat with a book and the Lord Himself and meditated on His heart for me.

This past week, as I’ve been speaking with the Lord, I can feel the passion and zeal for His heart returning to my Spirit. However, I’ve come to another realization, one that was quite sobering to my heart – That day in September 2011, I did not just make a 3 year commitment, I made a lifelong commitment. This Nazirite journey that I have chosen to walk, it will now and forever pulse through my veins. This is a desire that will never be quenched, for once a Nazirite always a Nazirite. I am now, and forever will be a longhaired one.

[Disclaimer: as romantic as that sounds, this is a journey that must not be taken lightly, I suggest taking time to fast and pray about the matter and research a lot. This is a commitment that will push, pull and stretch one to their limits.]

Expression of a Piano

I found this document from an English assignment that I did this semester. Honestly, I was pretty surprised with how well written it was. I didn't realize that I felt this way when I played a piano...

"Like all past times – it happens, eventually, a sincere moment of obsession – the piano allows a dull, undistinguished hour exhilarated by tickling the ivories in moments of emotion and serenity which can be read more deeply to reveal the life of the player. The piano is “suddenly sudden” to all but the player – it surprises many, soothes many, moves many to the point of tears, changes the perspectives of lives, even recreates moments; it can also reveal the inner connection between heart, mind, soul and life. What it is, for people with no musical talent and other means of expression, Write and Yell and Play; it engulfs in these emotions – anger, joy, fright, peace, loss, exhilaration, hopefulness – and, rendering them in multiple fashions, brings the listener into a story of the player. It brings emotion to us, makes us, to those more attentive to the emotion, understand – undeniable, indisputable, unquestionable – “legitimate,” in a realistic way. A note, mystery, a dialogue, a journey, the piano is a means of expression; its purpose is not to amuse listeners not to exude them  (though, with the talent of the player, it does these a little), but, in a frenzy of ivories, fingers, feet, and sound, to indulge the player. "

Welcome to College

Well, I've been back for a week and I feel great!!

Just before coming back to school I had a pretty overwhelming dream that revealed a lot of emotions that I was feeling without realizing I was feeling them. A lot of the dream had to do with clutter and disorganization in my life. That was a much needed eye opener BEFORE I went back to school. Immediately following that dream, I awoke and laid out a schedule (after calming my heart down; I was still stressed out when I woke up... it was pretty powerful). I am happy to say that I've remained faithful to that schedule. I have awoken every day (no matter what time I go to bed) by about 6:30. This has given me a significant amount of time to walk with the Lord in the mornings and really kick start my days. I can already see the difference in my life. I am so joyful it almost hurts. Yeah, I still struggle with constantly being happy; cause I'm a person, durr. But the root of my being is a giddy little character that can't contain the passion and excitement that it has for the Lord.

I'M SO IN LOVE WITH GOD.

It's funny how something as simple has having a schedule can do that to you ... I really appreciate having a schedule but I also understand that sometimes, the schedule will fail and that's okay. I love that the Lord is helping me through this and I love that He is setting things in their places. It's really becoming evident in my life and I thank Him so much for that. I can't express with words what I'm feeling towards Him right now but He is expressing it through my heart ... ON THE PIANO. Praise GOD. He's making music through me. I have been coming to the piano every day and understanding the way the music and keys work together. He has been speaking things like this into me for so long, but I never believed. I believe. I believe I was made to worship the Lord and I believe I was made to LOVE Him. Firstly, and always.

I know that the last post I had was a real downer - thank you for all your prayers. My Spirit is lifted and the Lord has spoken life into me once more. I desire His word and I desire His presence again; I know who I am again and I know where I'm headed.

On another note, small groups have started up again! And I'm so excited! On top of that, Luke 18 should start within the next week. I'm waiting on my softball schedule and then all of these things should start motoring! Monday morning, I'm having another meeting with the leadership team here on Campus and we'll begin the ball rolling for the LUKE18 CONFERENCE IN MANKATO, MN. I've gotten some pretty positive feedback for the conference and I'm attempting to raise support from my church and gather students from 2 more campuses in ND. This is such an exciting time and I can't believe what the Lord is doing on campus. WOW. I wish I could explain everything, but this would be thee longest post on the face of the planet.

Thank you for all of your prayers again, until next time;;

Lost. Have you seen this girl?

I have to admit, these past few months have been very difficult. I've been tested like I've never been tested before and I've experienced emotions that have engulfed my life, for real. I've been stretched, bent, torn, mended, torn again, pulled, pushed, overwhelmed - basically, I've had a pretty trying season. On top of that all, I'm a student with studies to complete. I often think that as a student, being a student, as a forerunner, being a forerunner, as well as an intercessor, being an intercessor - combining everything at all times can be hard. Hard, but possible with the strength of the Lord (a truth that is often difficult to swallow unfortunately). And of course, there's other drama thrown into the mix, 'cause life isn't allowed to be easy.

Anyway, this past week I had exams; always a busy time of the year for any student. It's also the waning period of time that home slowly beckons your name louder and louder. For me, when I think of home, I think of retreat with the Lord. My mind, heart and spirit were literally in an upheaval. I have this crazy picture in my head of what my appearance was like, but I really don't think I can describe it justifyingly... it's a mess though, I'll give you that much. Like a jumbled knot of mind, body and spirit all mixed up and unsure of what is going on anymore. I was to the point where I was thinking "when I get home, it'll all make sense again, I'll be okay if I can just get home." Guess what, I'm home and I'm still not okay.

I have come to realize that I don't have a place in this world. I don't belong there, I don't belong here... so where do I belong. Then, of course, silly me, I pick up my guitar and start playing "I finally found where I belong" such a simple truth that is often forgotten. I belong where the Lord is. It's a message that I've preached to friends often - I've even told them "I never belonged there, I will forever belong where the Lord takes me, I will forever belong in His heart" I can clearly hear myself telling multiple people this. Then why can't I accept it as truth anymore? This is something that I've been toiling over the past couple days since coming home. I knew something wasn't right anymore. There's something not okay in my heart anymore. I feel lost in a broken world.

My breakthrough began on Sunday and hasn't really stopped since. The Lord is revealing a lot to me, but I'm nowhere near finished (obviously, but I'm talking about this specific season of grief). The breakthrough began with a few simple words spoken by the Lord that rushed me back in time to the first time I fell in love with Him; Will you dance with Me again? That's all He said that was necessary to bring a tear to my eye and a smile to glance upon my lips. These words were sweet to my ears; but not striking to my heart. The next word struck me down to my knees weeping; it cut straight through my heart with words truer to me than any I have heard in some time, "Beloved, you have forgotten yourself, you have forgotten who you are and you've forgotten that you are Mine. My joy, My delight. You have forgotten how you dazzle and shine and you have forgotten your beauty." I was shaken to the core with an innocent cry "Lord, who am I." I've come to the realization that I've lost the truth of who I am. So many people have spoken falsely over me throughout the months, that I haven't had any idea what to cling to - I've forgotten the words of the Lord that He has etched into my heart.

This last encounter has really caused me to dig deeper. Understanding that I need to work on myself; I've been so consumed with 'doing the Lord's work' that I've forgotten the intimacy must come first. I'm taking these next few weeks as 'personal time' and diving into the Lord's heart and purpose over my life. It's going well so far; difficult and hard to swallow at times. It's a good season though, a break from being all the things I've been trying to be, a break from being "perfect" as they like to say back in Valley. This is a time where I can let it all crumble down and let the Lord pick up the pieces. I've realized that I have the spirit of depression attacking me (prayer is welcomed) and now that the Lord has so graciously revealed this fact to me, I can already see a light in a dark place. The Lord is amazing to me, and I am excited to see what treasure comes out of this season. This is unknown territory and I know the Lord is allowing me to grow ever so close to His majestic glorious heart.

Again, thank you all for the support while I've been away. I can feel every prayer strengthening my bones. Love you all, and Merry Christmas. It truly is the best time of the year.

Post 100

Hey blog readers! This marks a big day! Post 100! Exciting :)

But to bigger, better, much more important things ; I've been reading Ezekial, and I have a hard time reading more than 3 verses. It's way too much for my heart to handle most of the time (it's magnificent!)

I finally got past Chapter 1 and my heart is a puddle and my brain blown. (this is what I call 'boom, holy roasted'). Ezekial 1 is basically Ezekial experiencing the GREATNESS of the Lord being pictured through 4 living creatures, 'cherubim.' This is so significant in my life because I fully believe that I have a gift much like these; to gaze upon the Lord all the days of my life, singing of His Holiness.

There was much that struck me about these creatures in this chapter, but much of it I don't even have language for; so, I want to lay out for you some of the things that struck me as relevant and exciting.

1. The Lord is a raging whirlwind of fire engulfing itself (Ezekial 1:4)
             - Take a moment to actually picture this. This is truly what all consuming fire IS. This can so easily mess a person up. I picture this tornado of fire eating everything; glorious.

2. The creatures did not turn when they went, but they went straight forward (1:9)
           - What a noble characteristic. They turn neither left, nor right, but march forth, straight and steady; no doubt nor straying.

3. They went where the Spirit went (1:12)
          - They know who is good. They know the Spirit well enough to know where He is.  I'm noticing more and more how noble these creatures are. NOBLE.

4. When they went, it was like the noise of many waters; like the voice of the Almighty
         - When they are present and when they move, it is evident that the Lord is there and the Lord is apart of them. WOAH. Imagine moving and being and having that kind of presence noticed.

These are just a few things I've come to a realization about; there's so much more, but I really hate trying to put language to a lot of the revelations I get.

I would like to point something else out that I find absolutely fascinating. The creatures are described as having heads like a Lion, Ox, Man and Eagle. These are all representations of the Lord in some way. After all, they stare at Him 24/7 without ceasing, they're bound to look like Him; it's the same as us, the more we gaze, the more we are molded into His character. Anyway;
- The Lion; represents the Lord's righteousness
- The Ox; represents the Lord's good works (servanthood)
- The Man; represents His humanity (God became a man)
- The Eagle; represents God's divinity (He is GOD)

The more I learn about these creatures the more I'm fascinated by them. They reveal so much about who the Lord is; His desire is to have ones who will gaze upon Him and know Him. That's why they were created. It's why WE were created. I'm not saying that these creatures are to be looked upon more than the Lord, but by understanding who they are and why they were made and WHAT they are, I'm understanding more about why I'VE been created, and who God is.

Amen and Amen.