Lost. Have you seen this girl?

I have to admit, these past few months have been very difficult. I've been tested like I've never been tested before and I've experienced emotions that have engulfed my life, for real. I've been stretched, bent, torn, mended, torn again, pulled, pushed, overwhelmed - basically, I've had a pretty trying season. On top of that all, I'm a student with studies to complete. I often think that as a student, being a student, as a forerunner, being a forerunner, as well as an intercessor, being an intercessor - combining everything at all times can be hard. Hard, but possible with the strength of the Lord (a truth that is often difficult to swallow unfortunately). And of course, there's other drama thrown into the mix, 'cause life isn't allowed to be easy.

Anyway, this past week I had exams; always a busy time of the year for any student. It's also the waning period of time that home slowly beckons your name louder and louder. For me, when I think of home, I think of retreat with the Lord. My mind, heart and spirit were literally in an upheaval. I have this crazy picture in my head of what my appearance was like, but I really don't think I can describe it justifyingly... it's a mess though, I'll give you that much. Like a jumbled knot of mind, body and spirit all mixed up and unsure of what is going on anymore. I was to the point where I was thinking "when I get home, it'll all make sense again, I'll be okay if I can just get home." Guess what, I'm home and I'm still not okay.

I have come to realize that I don't have a place in this world. I don't belong there, I don't belong here... so where do I belong. Then, of course, silly me, I pick up my guitar and start playing "I finally found where I belong" such a simple truth that is often forgotten. I belong where the Lord is. It's a message that I've preached to friends often - I've even told them "I never belonged there, I will forever belong where the Lord takes me, I will forever belong in His heart" I can clearly hear myself telling multiple people this. Then why can't I accept it as truth anymore? This is something that I've been toiling over the past couple days since coming home. I knew something wasn't right anymore. There's something not okay in my heart anymore. I feel lost in a broken world.

My breakthrough began on Sunday and hasn't really stopped since. The Lord is revealing a lot to me, but I'm nowhere near finished (obviously, but I'm talking about this specific season of grief). The breakthrough began with a few simple words spoken by the Lord that rushed me back in time to the first time I fell in love with Him; Will you dance with Me again? That's all He said that was necessary to bring a tear to my eye and a smile to glance upon my lips. These words were sweet to my ears; but not striking to my heart. The next word struck me down to my knees weeping; it cut straight through my heart with words truer to me than any I have heard in some time, "Beloved, you have forgotten yourself, you have forgotten who you are and you've forgotten that you are Mine. My joy, My delight. You have forgotten how you dazzle and shine and you have forgotten your beauty." I was shaken to the core with an innocent cry "Lord, who am I." I've come to the realization that I've lost the truth of who I am. So many people have spoken falsely over me throughout the months, that I haven't had any idea what to cling to - I've forgotten the words of the Lord that He has etched into my heart.

This last encounter has really caused me to dig deeper. Understanding that I need to work on myself; I've been so consumed with 'doing the Lord's work' that I've forgotten the intimacy must come first. I'm taking these next few weeks as 'personal time' and diving into the Lord's heart and purpose over my life. It's going well so far; difficult and hard to swallow at times. It's a good season though, a break from being all the things I've been trying to be, a break from being "perfect" as they like to say back in Valley. This is a time where I can let it all crumble down and let the Lord pick up the pieces. I've realized that I have the spirit of depression attacking me (prayer is welcomed) and now that the Lord has so graciously revealed this fact to me, I can already see a light in a dark place. The Lord is amazing to me, and I am excited to see what treasure comes out of this season. This is unknown territory and I know the Lord is allowing me to grow ever so close to His majestic glorious heart.

Again, thank you all for the support while I've been away. I can feel every prayer strengthening my bones. Love you all, and Merry Christmas. It truly is the best time of the year.