i surrender.

Where do I draw the line? All I want is a full life, and this full life cannot be made through my own means, it has to be made through God's means and His desires for my life. Unfortunately, when I pursue a deeper relationship with God, I seem to pull myself almost completely away from the world. But maybe that's what I need right now. Maybe I need that isolation to discover myself again and my path in God. It seems, however, that when I do isolate myself and try to dig deeper, there's people (i.e. my parents) who turn to me and say "Balance, Caitlin. Balance. It's okay to have friends, you can't be one of those people who don't discover life because they're too wrapped up in 'God's will'." They say that to me all the time, then say "We understand that you're trying to pursue something with this faith blah blah blah." But they don't understand, otherwise they'd realize that being a Christian isn't just about moral views and proper stature as they continually tell me I have ... it's the relation I have with God, which is what I either go full force toward, or I lack ... depending on the season of my life.

My life seems to constantly be one extreme or the other... never a straight balance. I'm frustrated with certain traits I have that are supposedly gifts. I'm tired of receiving words, visions, dreams, imparatations, etc. from God and having things happen that make me second guess what I received from God Himself. No, I'm not saying I question God, I'm saying I question the strength of my relationship with Him. Am I misinterpreting what He's telling me ... or am I just twisting my own desires into what He's telling me so I can gain what I want.

I don't know myself. I don't know God. I don't know my life. I'm finding myself second guessing every thought I'm having and I'm left standing here wondering what has been True and Righteous and what has been my own doing. When do I pursue something and when do I sit and wait.

This is me saying, I give up. I'm shutting off my head and allowing my heart to take the lead. I surrender my life in it's entirety because I don't know the first thing about living. Today, I'm starting over. I'm starting fresh. For those of you who think you know me ... you don't, because whoever you knew ... I'm not her. I've been putting on masks for too long and I'm not going to keep them on anymore. I'm going forward, pushing down this wall and walking on my own with God. Nobody is going to walk with me, nobody is going to push me along ... my own pace. my own way. my own life in God. Caitlin is going out into the world to embrace life independently, I don't mean that weak little girl who was afraid to take risks, I mean the warrior girl that is fighting for God and Him alone. Mindless games will not be apart of my life any longer.

So, Hello, my name is Caitlin, it's nice to meet you.